From the City.
So, I'm going back to work in roughly a month. I am feeling anxious and a bit sad about this transition.
My crazy person lists: dinner ideas for Simon, meal ideas for Theo and random stuff to do.
When Theo was first born, everyone told me to enjoy it cause time was gonna fly right on by but I just didn't really understand them. I thought, "....a year, how could a year fly by??? I'll be aching to go back, forget that, maybe I'll even go back early..." I have never been so wrong about anything in my whole life. I have been on the verge of tears for about the past week as I start to get us ready. Making lists, crossing things off lists, stressing about said lists.
It's funny, I swear this transition has made me call everything into question. I've considered myself a feminist for forever and even did an entire undergrad in women's studies (much to my dad's chagrin) and now I'm facing this dilemma where all I really want to do it stay home and cook and craft and do laundry and look after my family but in the back of mind I have this little voice saying, "no, no, no you need to do MORE, you need to CONTRIBUTE..." but, I say to the voice, staying at home is truly the hardest and most thankless work ever and I am contributing, I am contributing to my family and to society by cranking out this lovely kind little human being, that's gotta count for something!
what is this voice and where does it come from???? who started it and keeps it humming in my mind???
From what I've heard from other mama's, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. You go to work and you feel like you're missing out on your family. You stay home and you're missing out on a career and independence and freedom.
So what to do? I'll let you know when I figure it out.
amelia
(not so wordless this week)
